WASHINGTON, DC – In a hastily arranged Rose Garden ceremony, US President Barrack Obama announced a break-through deal with the Republic of Ghana. The President stood with witch doctor Nana Kwaku Bonsam, whose name translates as ‘Devil of Wednesday,’ while announcing the exchange of five US World Cup players for Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo’s health. Suit-clad Obama, who hoped to divert attention away from recent problems with the VA hospitals, an Army deserter, and the federal health insurance website roll-out, shook hands with Bonsam, who sported dreadlocks and was naked except for the colorful, traditional Ghanaian blanket that drooped over his shoulders like a toga.
As the Marine band’s rendition of “Hail to the Chief” faded away, the President stood before the flowering rose bushes and cleared his throat. He said to the assembled press core, “Let me be clear, this is not a negotiating-with-terrorists situation. As the Washington Post, The Guardian and other non-FOX News sources reported, Mr. Bonsam cursed Mr. Ronaldo, a Portuguese citizen. Because Portugal – and let me help Sarah Palin by pointing Portugal out on the map, it’s somewhere south of Mexico, near Colombia, I believe – Portugal is a fellow member of NATO. In the interest of bilateral action, I invoked NATO Article 5, whereby an attack on one NATO member is an attack on all. The United States is proud to support our Portuguese allies in their dire hour of need.”
The President was referring to a Washington Post story, which said, “Bonsam claims to have conjured a special powder from his gods, mixed with several leaves and concoctions which have been placed around an image and caricature of the former Manchester United player.”  The Guardian had reported the witch doctor started hexing Ronaldo four months ago, upon learning Portugal would face Ghana in the World Cup. It had quoted Bonsam as saying his curse would injure Ronaldo “seriously” and “prevent him from playing against Ghana.”
A light breeze fluttered through the White House lawn trees. The President stepped back to wipe his brow in the bright, mid-morning sun.“Because of the obstructionists in the US Congress, those people who put politics before world soccer, I decided to issue an executive order that frees our ally Portugal’s soccer star from his injuries, in exchange for just five American soccer players.” The President did not mention that the five players included Landon Donovan, recently cut from the team, and four rarely used back-ups: John Brooks, DeAndre Yedlin, Julian Green, and Timmy Chandler.
“Make no mistake. It won’t happen overnight. But, I assure you, the US World Cup team had no chance of winning in Brazil, anyway, and, let me be clear, to assist in building an international coalition, the US World Cup team will allow these five players to be injured in place of the great Ronaldo. With my new healthcare for all Americans, these five injured American players will be able to afford the healthcare they deserve to handle even the worst spells Doctor Bonsam can conjure up in his dark shrine. There may be some glitches, but to these five American soccer heroes and all Americans everywhere, I say, if you like your witch doctor, you can keep him.”