THE LAST FRIENDSTER

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PASADENA, CA:  Eighty-eight year-old Mildred Stone, grandmother of seven, posted two complaints this morning.  There was a sticky, disgusting substance on the Post Office counter where she had to sign a form to pick up the mail for her neighbor, off visiting relatives in Toledo.  Her second rant regarded the line at Dunkin Donuts: too long, too slow, and “why do we let those Hindus into this country, anyway”?

What made Ms. Stone’s tirades unique, given she’s posted about related topics in the same customer service genre every day since her granddaughter first showed her how to logon to the early social media site in 2003, is that Friendster’s other remaining registered member, Alfred Rice, deceased in 2007, finally had his account disabled by his estate.  This makes Ms. Stone the only friend left on Friendster.  This fact has not, yet, reduced her posting volume, however.

Ms. Stone accesses Friendster each morning, over her Humphrey Bogart mug of Maxwell House instant coffee, using WebTV, though she often has to smack the top of the 125-pound RCA cathode ray tube TV to get it to turn on.   When approached by our reporter, Ms. Stone, attired in a worn, yellow polyester sweater though it was 78 degrees outside, turned her ear horn and responded, “What?”  She was unable to comprehend his question about her posting only to herself.  While she mused aloud that she wasn’t sure when Johnny Carson would retire for the that “whipper-smacker” Jay Leno, our reporter noticed a Dig Dug cartridge next to an Atari 2600 and her dusty Betamax recorder.

Granddaughter Megan Roark-Goldbaum currently resides in Austin, TX and hasn’t called Ms. Stone in six months, thereby earning twenty-eight Friendster rants.  Ms. Roark-Goldbaum, who recently dumped Facebook for Tumblr, was on Instagram, posting her teen pictures when she noticed the image of Grandma Stone in oversize bifocals sitting behind the fifteen blazing candles of her birthday cake picture.  Ms. Roark-Goldbaum attempted to contact her grandmother, but found Ms. Stone’s Excite! email address was no longer supported.

When informed by our reporter that the name Friendster is a portmanteau of “friend” and Napster, Ms. Stone seemed not to comprehend because she said, “Look, sonny!  I’m always right!”  Shaking the spotted flesh of her fist in the general direction of the Ricky Nelson poster on her wall, she explained, “No one ever disagrees with my postin’!”

Our reporter wrote down his question about being the only website user.  Ms. Stone patted him on the back and smiled with pride.  “So I’m still the only one signed up for ObamaCare?”

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